At times I feel that I am torn in two different directions. I have an inner battle at times. You see I have always seen myself as more of the career type. I worked so hard to earn my Bachelors Degree, and had plans of having my JD by 25 (at the present time I am 30)...and so on and so forth. At times I feel restless as if my youth has fleeted and has taken all aspirations to achieve my goals in the realm of career and personal aspirations. I often think that I could have so much more monetarily, I could actually shop..for clothes...I can have a mani/pedi heck even a massage more frequently than once a year. We could travel, have a nicer car, nicer clothes for the girls, a house, etc. I seriously toss the idea of working around in my head. I choke up when I even think of my darlings going to day care....but I would work if my husband's schedule permitted...at the present time it does not. I sometimes miss my desk, my stapler, my morning coffee while typing away furiously at my keyboard...yes people sometimes I miss my job. There were things I wanted to do...people I wanted to help...I wanted to make a difference in the world.
Today I had an epiphany. The time came for Hazel & Jade to have their afternoon snack. I meticulously sliced their banana, cheese, placed grapes on a place intermingled with crackers. I placed it on their little tiny table. As I watched my girls reach for their snacks that I lovingly prepared, looking at me thankfully...as I heard little Jade exclaim, "mmmm mmmm mmm"...I thought to myself...."this is where I need to be, this is were I want to be!!!" You see while I have inner pride of my accomplishments and regret for things I haven't yet gotten to do...I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than at home with my babies...I wouldn't ever want to miss snack time. While Hazel & Jade couldn't care less about my degree, that I graduated Cum Laude, or how many honor societies I was a member of...they need me for me....they need their momma and there is plenty of time to make a difference in the world...I think I already am.
In sum, I am totally taken care of, by God...who has given me an amazing, talented, and loving husband that works 2+ jobs, going without sleep for days...all to provide for us. I am reminded of this, and the silly thoughts of things I "need" melt away and I am filled with contentment. My Joe has given me a gift in allowing me to stay home with Hazel & Jade. Has it been a sacrifice? Yes, but we are being obedient to what God wants for us now, and for that I know He will truly bless us....He always does!
5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5 (New King James Version)