At times I feel that I am torn in two different directions. I have an inner battle at times. You see I have always seen myself as more of the career type. I worked so hard to earn my Bachelors Degree, and had plans of having my JD by 25 (at the present time I am 30)...and so on and so forth. At times I feel restless as if my youth has fleeted and has taken all aspirations to achieve my goals in the realm of career and personal aspirations. I often think that I could have so much more monetarily, I could actually shop..for clothes...I can have a mani/pedi heck even a massage more frequently than once a year. We could travel, have a nicer car, nicer clothes for the girls, a house, etc. I seriously toss the idea of working around in my head. I choke up when I even think of my darlings going to day care....but I would work if my husband's schedule permitted...at the present time it does not. I sometimes miss my desk, my stapler, my morning coffee while typing away furiously at my keyboard...yes people sometimes I miss my job. There were things I wanted to do...people I wanted to help...I wanted to make a difference in the world.
Today I had an epiphany. The time came for Hazel & Jade to have their afternoon snack. I meticulously sliced their banana, cheese, placed grapes on a place intermingled with crackers. I placed it on their little tiny table. As I watched my girls reach for their snacks that I lovingly prepared, looking at me thankfully...as I heard little Jade exclaim, "mmmm mmmm mmm"...I thought to myself...."this is where I need to be, this is were I want to be!!!" You see while I have inner pride of my accomplishments and regret for things I haven't yet gotten to do...I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than at home with my babies...I wouldn't ever want to miss snack time. While Hazel & Jade couldn't care less about my degree, that I graduated Cum Laude, or how many honor societies I was a member of...they need me for me....they need their momma and there is plenty of time to make a difference in the world...I think I already am.
In sum, I am totally taken care of, by God...who has given me an amazing, talented, and loving husband that works 2+ jobs, going without sleep for days...all to provide for us. I am reminded of this, and the silly thoughts of things I "need" melt away and I am filled with contentment. My Joe has given me a gift in allowing me to stay home with Hazel & Jade. Has it been a sacrifice? Yes, but we are being obedient to what God wants for us now, and for that I know He will truly bless us....He always does!
5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5 (New King James Version)
3 comments:
hi monica:)
i love your honesty! i know i often feel the same way as you but of course in a different way. with both my boys in school during the day i struggle between staying home and going to school. i see other mothers who have older children as myself staying home, shopping, baking awesome meals. i see from my perspective, which i know isn't accurate but it appears ideal, fun and "perfect". we know that isn't true. i know for me, not you, but when things get hard in school i go back to the thought of staying home in the day time because as mothers we know their is enough to do at home to keep us busy. but every time i pray and talk to matt i know i'm to be in school. plus...when i was on vacation i quickly realized i don't have money to stay home, shop and buy the ingredients for all the meals i would love to bake. matt reminds me that if it wasn't school stressing me out it would be something else. i know that is true for me! i'm sorry to be writing so much but it is because as i said earlier i've been going through the same things but different. the lord showed me something really cool yesterday. i was praying about school, his will for me and my children. especially, i prayed for those 7 hours i have each day without my children. what would he want me to do.
this is what he gave me. i know it will bless you.
2 chronicles 15:2
be ye strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak: for your work shall be rewarded.
15:12
and they entered into a covenant to seek the lord god of their fathers with all their heart and with all their soul.
15:15
...and he was found of them: and the lord gave them rest round about.
just as you i have an inner struggle at time and just as you i always come back to knowing i'm in god will and there we will be happiest.
he is good to us. and although we may feel poor:) we are rich indeed.
rich with our two children, godly husbands and great friends!
you always encourage me:) love you!
I love you too Joanne. I think you are going to make an AMAZING nurse and that God has given you that desire and blessed you with the gift and ability to be able to assist people in times of need. When I come to Cali we are gonna hit up Ross BIG time girl...and shop till we drop!!! Ok, so I'll probably have like $5 but I will make it work, and Starbucks and book stores too. I love you so much and you mean the world to me friend :) You bless me and encourage me so much.
You are so smart!!! Really I have always thought that, so I know school can be tough, challenging, and mentally draining...and with kids and a husband, I cannot even imagine, but you can do it and God will give you supernatural strength!!! Remember that education is an invaluable gift, it makes us better, improves us, and learning is always fun (I love to shop for school supplies!!!!! And love to sit in the front row...I'm a NERD)
Love you, Love you, Love you
MON
***we are rich indeed :) Thank you for the scripture, they are awesome!!!
love you moni...i'm learning that right now, be content were God has you. He has you there for a reason. Snack time is one of them, there will be plenty of time to work when they are older. You could even go to law school (if you want the loans, argh!)
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